For you Procrastinators...

There's something to be said for just barely making your plane sometimes. Running like you're training for the Senior Olympics. Running like OJ's late for his plane and he's behind you waving a knife. I, on the other hand, got to the Trudeau Airport in Montreal with three hours to spare, since I've previously dealt with Canadian Customs (our motto: "If we can't make your day worse, then we're just not doing our job").

Today though, I breezed through Customs and Security behind maybe two other people and had time to have lunch and a leisurely walk to my gate, where.............Nothing happened! No announcement when the departure time of 4:10 arrived and departed. I looked outside; no plane. No problem. I've got a two and a half hour layover in New York on my way to Burlington, Vermont.

At 4:40 the gate display read 4:45. Still no announcement. Still no plane. At 4:50 a plane rolled in. I moved out of the way to avoid the crush of de-planing passengers. For about 10 minutes, when I realized there were no passengers on the plane. Or pilot. Or crew. Then we get an announcement: "There will be a short delay while a mechanic checks out a tire that has too much air in it." Ok, when was the last time you had to remove air from a tire on your car that you just backed out of the garage? And why didn't they know this when they were still in the hanger or wherever this bird came from?

So now it's 5:50 and the reader board says we will be boarding at 5:35. Evidently the airport clock has been broken by the excess air in the starboard tire of our aircraft. It also seems to have taken out the paging system. Still no announcement. 6:00 - "We'll be boarding the airplane in 5 minutes". Oh yay!

So I'm off on another "Adventure"...

Smee

Indy to Jersey - The Hard Way!

What started out as a promising trip has gone a bit awry. I finished up my job at Indiana University with plenty of time to make it 50 miles back to Indianapolis to my plane to New Jersey, connecting in Philadelphia. After setting my trusty GPS to Indy International and setting the cruise to "no cops" I had a relaxing ride until Darlene announced we had arrived and the airport was on my left, which seemed strange since I was the only car in the area. I went past the road to the terminal and turned around to give Darlene another shot at it, when I saw the sign by the barricade: "Airport Closed". Are you KIDDING? I just flew into Indy yesterday! Then I saw the second sign: "Airport has moved", with an arrow pointing to an onramp that split into three roads immediately after I got on it. I flipped my three-sided coin, somehow chose the correct road and was at the new airport in seven or eight miles. Crisis averted! Still had an hour and a half, time to get a BLD (breakfast lunch dinner), leaving me a half hour to get through Security with 20 other folks. Of course Security, since I fit the profile of an old fat bald guy, had me go through the body scanner, I'm sure just to amuse themselves, which takes an extra ten minutes while you take everything left in your pockets after already removing all metal objects and hold the stuff over your head. Then the guy gets a call from the scanner monitor dude "Pat down his right rear" which I'm sure had the monitor guys rolling on the floor as he rubs my butt. "Nothing there - OK you're good to go." So I got dressed and got to my dreaded USAir flight - Our Motto: "We may not be able to do anything else right, but we can land 'em in the river!" So off we go towards Philly on an hour and 15 minute cruise. Two hours later our captain announces that the airport has had a huge storm blow in that had closed Philly and we had been circling and were now going to land in Harrisburg to gas up (since apparently the airlines (did I mention USAir) had no clue we might run into this situation. So we landed, whereupon I learned why sitting next to the door to the only restroom is a BAD thing. While we're on the ground one of the passengers called his father in law who works for FAA or somebody in the know and found out the Philly airport was not closed, but outgoing flights were delayed 45 minutes and incoming ones (that's me) were delayed 15 MINUTES! You mean the plane didn't have enough fuel to allow for a 15 minute delay?! (That was USAir, people.) At any rate we somehow made it back in the air with a "full" tank and made it to Philadelphia just in time for everyone to miss their connections.So after the usual "we can't give you your bags 'cause they're checked through to someplace you are no longer going" I found a baggage professional who located my bag and went and got it! And I got a Hilton room for a $99 "distress" rate.Now I just have to lower customer expectations in NYC since I won't be there until afternoon.Whew! That was a long rant. Sorry.Smee

I need a brain and a gun.

Hi All,

All excited to get done in Bethesda MD early and head to the airport - Ron Reagan National. Dropped off my car and made it to the Northwest ticket counter in record time, hoping to get on any earlier flight. Yeah sure. My flight wouldn't come up on the computer and so with the help of a ticket agent I determined I was really early for a flight out of..........wait for it............

BALTIMORE.

Who flies you into one airport and out of another? OK, it was my fault. What a dope! Maybe I should have read the itinerary a little closer. Of course there is nothing so bad that it can't be made worse (with a little help). The ticket agents were clueless how to get from one airport to the other, because no one has ever done this before . A baggage guy sent me to the Super Shuttle, which would get me to BWI for $45.

I checked with the driver to make sure I could pay with a credit card since I have no cash. He said he needed cash to get gas before driving that far. He gets out of the car and proceeds to have a loud argument with the coordinator behind the shuttle. While he's doing this I notice he has over half a tank of gas. He finally gets back in and says he'll take me to the next terminal where something indeterminant will take place.

We go into the terminal to the scheduling desk where another argument ensues, which the driver apparently loses and he storms out and gets in his van to drive me, I guess. I follow him since my bag is still in his van, open the back door and pull out my suitcase, telling him (yelling, actually) that I'd find my own way to the airport. I pulled my bags back inside and tell the scheduler that I wasn't riding with that idiot. She tells me she's sending him home. She's having a great day too. Seems another driver tried to make customer pay cash 'cause he needed to pay his rent! She sent him home also. So now I'm in a van with a driver that was threatened with being sent home because he was supposed to pick up a fare and just disappeared. There's no telling where I might end up, so check your milk cartons.

At least I was early!

Goin' to Kansas City - They got some crazy little women there and most of them work at the airport.

So I got done working at Stowers Institute in KC after a day of everything going wrong and just enough time to make it to one of the worst laid out airports in the country. Got off the rental car shuttle but when the driver announced "Terminal B". He didn't mention that Delta is not at the beginning of the concourse but 3/4's of a mile away at the other end.

Signage isn't particularly descriptive either. Consequently I barely made it to my gate in time toooooooooo............wait for 2 hours while mechanics tried usuccessfully to repair the wing flaps. When it was officially a 'mechanical' problem, the Gate Fairies began to work their magic. We all stood in line once more for 45 minutes to see what they could do for us.

"Well Mr. Papp, since you are Double Platinum Purple Gold and Diamond we are going to switch that nasty 1st Class seat on your old plane and get you into Row 38 on this plane and get you out right now. You've got plenty of time in Atlanta to make your connection to Roanoke tonight!"

Well, maybe. Assuming the plane doesn't leave a half hour late and the plane you're trying to catch isn't leaving from C47 and you land at A15 and the damn thing left 10 minutes early anyway. So now I'm in line again, eagerly anticipating the next part of my adventure. No, actually I'm getting pissed at this point. "So how do I get my luggage?"

"You can't Sir. It goes to a secured area and will be put on your plane to Roanoke tomorrow morning, where you will have no access to a hotel room since you are now staying in a flophouse on us in Atlanta tonight. No really, you CAN get your bag, it will just take 6 hours for us to find it assuming it made it onto this plane in the first place, which is unlikely since, in a cost-saving move, Delta is hiring baggage handlers directly from Mrs. Fergusson's 4th grade class in Sussex County Mediocre Minds Elementary. But cheer up. Here is a bag of essentials to cover up the fact that you're one step away from living under a bridge, and it contains a dandy SkyTeam tee shirt so you can advertise to your friends how we took care of you tonight. Have a nice evening."

So I get in another line - this one to wait for a bus to the Courtyard Inn North, only there isn't a bus to Courtyard Inn North, so I ask the driver of the Courtyard Inn South if there is another bus. He says "Yeah, but I'll drop you off myself". So the nice man drops me off in front of the hotel, I give him a couple bucks for going out of his way and walk in waving my airline chit. The clerk looks at it and says "Sir, this is the Country Inn. The Courtyard is across the street". She points to another building. So I walk across the street, but being smarter now, I look at the sign this time. "Wellesley Inn". She pointed across the wrong street!

I give up. So I dumped my laptop and new tee in my room and went down to the "Mexican" restaurant. You don't wanna know..........Hoping to be back someday.

Don't Fly Southwest

So I'm finally on a plane from Baltimore to Tampa. It was supposed to leave at 7:50. I left Johns Hopkins at 4:56 and was worried I wouldn't make it, but it only took about an hour. When I got to the airport the plane was already delayed until 8:00, so I had time to get some food. When I got to the gate they announced a mechanical which delayed it another 25 minutes. Now that we're on the plane they decided to wait another 20 minutes for another plane to land. We've already been on the plane 20 minutes and they just announced the other plane just landed. Now we'll have to wait for not only passengers, but luggage to be transferred.

To keep us occupied they had a contest to guess how much fuel will be burned on the flight. The answer was 1689 gals. I guessed 1829, so I don't feel too bad.OK, I've had enough fun now.

Let's get this plane a- rollin'.

Swiss.......not just a cheese anymore!

Greetings from the hills of Switzerland. Lots of rolling hills with big farms. Big Alpental looking farmhouses too. And REALLY long tunnels through the hills - like 2-3 miles for one of them. And the leaves are turning all colors. Looks kind of like Leavenworth this time of year.

Of course all is not rosey........ That would be too easy. Got into Zurich after a mere 14 hours of flying. Did get some sleep on the plane. Rented my Cadillac (kind if a mini Dodge Magnum). I found out that if you ask for a GPS you end up with an automatic caddy with GPS in the dash. It's saved many times already.When I finally found the account and parking only a few blocks away (and free). I found the p............aaaaannnnnddddddd he falls asleep on the bed of the hotel for 2 hours. I've GOT to get some sleep. I'm here and all is OK. I promise to tell more after some SLEEP!

Oh, Crap!

So I’m on the plane to Syracuse – The “40 minute flight” took 40 minutes to get off the ground. This, after missing my 4:30 flight where they gave away my seat 18 minutes before the flight was scheduled to leave. “You have to be in your seat 15 minutes before the scheduled departure time, Sir.” The rules are pretty strict when they apply to the passenger and not the airline.

Anyway, the flight attendant gives us her “This is a real short flight and I don’t have time for any crap, so you’re getting Coke and Sprite and their diet equivalents” speech and suddenly RUNS the length of the plane and disappears into the lavatory. She emerges about 5 minutes later and makes an announcement. “Uh, the lavatory is, uh, well, you’ll have to very careful, uh, using the lavatory, uh, because the, uh, toilet, uh, well, doesn’t flush, uh, properly and, uh, well, you need to be very careful using it.”

Gee, maybe that’s why it smells in here! Needless to say, no one used the lavatory.

Flying really is fun though!

The Further Adventures of the Flying Papp Show

Soooooooooo……Another day in the airport jungle. I got finished at Harvard in good time and arrived at the airport 3 ½ hours before my flight. Score!! Or not. United (Our Motto: We’ll get you somewhere, eventually, we think.) Decided 3 ½ hours in advance that their 7:15 flight would be delayed long enough that I would miss my connection to Charlottesville in Washington DC.

My option was to take a flight out in the AM, which would ultimately get me home, maybe Saturday? After pressuring them they agreed to send me on a USAir flight to Pittsburgh (Wasn’t I in Pittsburgh yesterday?) that would allow enough time to make a connection to VA. OK. Now all I had to do was walk a mile from Terminal C to Terminal B. No problem, I need the exercise.

So I get to USAir where I’m told that I now don’t have a ticket on either United OR USAir. Perfect! After 2 hours of phone calls and standing around, they realize the agent voided the wrong ticket and gave me the correct ticket - to seat 17C. “So what about the First Class ticket that I originally had?” I ask, brazenly tempting fate. “Did you pay for First Class?”. “Beats me”, I think. “Yeaaaah, sure I did”. OK, we have a seat left in 1st if you don’t mind a window. I settled.

Then God got even with me at Security, where I had the privilege of a free frisking. Now I find out this flight is also delayed, so I still may not make my connection. I called the account and told them I’d be there when I got there, unless the airlines had anything to do with it.

P.S. I’m now in Philadelphia with about 10 minutes between flights thanks to delays at both ends, but my Blackberry is not. I have no idea where I had it last. I think maybe at the USAir desk. Don’t recall taking it through Security. God, I love traveling! I wish I was better at it.

Feenix to Seattle

Lady in front of me can't stop talking to her new best friend in the next seat. I can't concentrate on anything else. My headphones just make it worse so I'm going to be her court reporter. I moved to the middle seat so I can hear better. Dyed bright hair. Mother had cancer. They wouldn't give her enough morphine. She wants to be cremated. Throw a big party 8 or ten weeks after her death and play Led Zepplin music. Dog had something like mange. Cost $175. Friend gave her $25 toward bill. Had to put it to sleep, but they won't let people do that, cause they treat dogs better. Her other dog was bitten by her ex-husband's dog. He gave her $75 toward the bill. Shops at Trader Joe's. Good cheese and chicken and of course desserts, but they don't have too many desserts. Likes Foster Farms chicken. Man, I can't keep up. Now we're on to pumpkin soup. The CD's got 10000 recipes on it, but apparently no pumpkin soup! We've been airborne about 15 minutes. She goes to Goodwill. Not sure if she's sleeping under a bridge. Loves German sausage even tho she used to be a vegetarian. Then chicken was OK, fish was OK. Squeezes her own juice. And freezes it. Lost 17 pounds. Friend lives close and has a huge swimming pool, but she just likes to lay out a couple times a week so she goes to her son's apartment. Going to Big Sur this summer (just like her new friend) and went to Cabo last summer - went snorkling, but they're just pushing time shares. The meals were SO expensive - 15 - 23 dollars. Lot of resort areas. Oooooo! Very sucky! At least she speaks Spanish. Her daughter Alexis said "You speak Spanish?". Well, at least the swear words.Why did they take the knives out of the planes. I could pry open a window and get sucked out!Alexis didn't want to go to Alaska, so I think it's Jamaica next. This is riveting! Are you asleep yet? No intentions of getting caught in a foreign country. She carries her key. She's going to poke him in the eye with her key.If she's tired and you wake her up she's mean! - Information overload. No bus tours. Walking tours only. The castle in Germany was a disappointment. It wasn't a real castle. It was made in the 20th century. Bummer. Never going back to Japan. Not sure why. Wants to go to Italy, Greece, Prague, maybe the Dominican Republic since she speaks some Spanish. The hotel in the Yucatan was walls with hooks for hammocks. Believe me, she was pissed, or as her friend told the proprietor, "My friend is very hot tempered." Had to use the animal yard for a bathroom. I think I've accidently been sucked into a Soap or maybe a "Lost" episode.Good news! She likes Hawaii! My God! I think she wore herself out! She's kicked her seat back and turned off her reading light. What am I going to do for the rest of the trip?! I think her mouth actually closed! But it's still smoking.

Whew! And I only got half of it! That's all for now.